So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I need to align my fucking chakras
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
