1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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