im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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