I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
