the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
