Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
There's a naked man in my car right now.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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