All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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