Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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