U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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