Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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