You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
