It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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