I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
you had me at cake vodka
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
