oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
