I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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