i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
