Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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