i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
