I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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