You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
