Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
