getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
