does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
