my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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