Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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