Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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