You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Randomize
