I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
