Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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