My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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