Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
