Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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