Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
