I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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