Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
