you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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