I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
