My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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