So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
