remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
