Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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