When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
