is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
