all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
