And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
