I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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