i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
