At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
