im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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