please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
