I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
