u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
