So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
