i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
