Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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