So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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