My sheets look like a crime scene.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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