someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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