At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
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You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
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He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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