dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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