i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
