At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Randomize
