there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
